


Idle Hands

by Petalene



Series: Ineffable Husbands Bingo [5]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crack, Humor, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ineffable Husbands Bingo (Good Omens), M/M, not lockdown video compliant, social distancing in Hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:20:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24224191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Petalene/pseuds/Petalene
Summary: Beelzebub orders the implementation of lockdown/social distancing and compulsory masking in Hell, not because demons could catch or spread anything, but because, well, it's Hell and why shouldn't they have to suffer too? Of course, since this is Hell implementing unnecessary rules and regulations, it doesn’t take long for the rank-and-file demons to get up to shenanigans and causing trouble. This is as cracky as it sounds.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Ineffable Husbands Bingo [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1482767
Comments: 4
Kudos: 41





	Idle Hands

**Author's Note:**

> This is me trying to find humor in a not funny situation. It's a cracky, non-kinky fill for a prompt on the kink meme. And since I started posting this on the kink meme before the lockdown video, it's not lockdown video compliant. Enjoy!
> 
> Fill for my bing square - Beelzebub

— Infernal News Network : Breaking News! —

Rumor has it a social distancing order will go into effect shortly. Infernal News Network takes you to a random corner on office level three for an important announcement. We now join Lord Beelzebub live for information on this shocking measure. 

Beelzebub stands behind a podium, zir hands gripping the edges. Two beefy demons flank either side, arms crossed and ready to pounce on anyone who causes trouble. The red sash across zir chest is the only splash of color in the flickering fluorescent lights. There’s a hint of amusement and excitement accompanying the default sour expression, which is never a good sign.

“Thank you, citizens of Hell, for being here or tuning in to this important update. Today I have the pleasure and duty to announce a mandatory social distancing order starting in five minutes. You are required to stay at least three meters away from every demon you encounter, except ones residing in the same residence as you. Gatherings of any number are banned. You must wash your hands before and after you touch your face or anything else. These orders will remain in place until further notice.”

Ze pauses, glancing around the crowd. “I know many stores are already running low on essential items. Unfortunately, with the suddenness of the pandemic, supply chains are being adversely affected. It’s advisable to stock up on essential items immediately. We appreciate your patience and understanding during these difficult times. Are there any questions?” 

Dozens of hands go up.

“You,” Beelzebub says, pointing randomly into the crowd. “And state your name. There is such a thing as a stupid question and I’m keeping track of who asks them.”

The demon swallows, but proceeds. “Samael, my Lord. I’m confused. Why do we need to stay three meters apart?”

Beelzebub smiles. “There’s a highly contagious virus circulating on Earth and humans are required to stay away from each other. We are doing our part to flatten the curve.”

A voice shouts, “What curve?”

“THE CURVE!” Beelzebub bangs zir hands on the podium. With a deep breath and a wave at the only reporter present, ze says, “You.”

“Malphas with Infernal News Network. Is this a demonic virus?”

A few demons exchange looks and several make futile attempts to put some space between themselves and the crush of the crowd. 

“No,” Beelzebub says. “It is a human virus. All of Earth is sheltering in place or on lockdown. They staying away from others to prevent pestilence from roaming unchecked throughout the masses. But why should the humans have all the fun?”

Murmurs spread through the crowd. 

“Silence!” A squeal of feedback from the mic accompanies the word. 

Conversations cease immediately. 

“It’s very simple. Groups of demons are prohibited and you must remain at least three meters away from your fellow citizens. Wash your hands. To flatten the curve, we need to work together by staying apart. As an added incentive, those out of compliance with the new ruling will be ticketed.”

Beelzebub ignores the hands that go up in favor of staring at zir watch for several seconds. “And it’s been five minutes. The order is now in effect. Thank you and have a wonderful day.”

The crowd lets out a collective yelp as citations appear in their hands, including the two body guards standing near the Lord of Hell. 

“Usually these sorts of edicts are announced retroactively with appropriate punishments delivered swiftly and decisively,” Beelzebub drawls. “Well? What are you waiting for? There’ll be another round of citations in ten minutes. Don’t forget to wash your hands!”

Chaos and noise erupt as everyone pushes and shoves their way to the exits. The picture pixelates and turns to snow. 

It cuts to three demons, all standing at least four meters apart. The first has a noticeably forced smile on her face. “I’m doing my part,” she says through gritted teeth.

In a flat, bored tone, the second one says, “I’m doing my part.”

The third demon, who actually looks like they are enjoying themselves, smiles broadly. “I’m doing my part!” They give the camera a thumbs up and an exaggerated wink.

A voice off screen says, “They are doing their part. Are you?”

— Infernal News Comments — 

20 minutes ago < Infernal News Network > Announcement! : Social Distancing Mandate Effective Immediately

19 minutes ago < KULSHEDRA > OMFS! I’m so booooooored! 

19 minutes ago < LEYAK > This has been going on forever!!!!!

18 minutes ago < VALAC > I need a hair cut. Can I still go get a hair cut?   
~ reply < SABNOCK > Only if they use really long clippers!  
~ reply < VALAC > :P

17 minutes ago < MARCHOSIAS > This is too much. Can’t handle the isolation. Need liquor. 

17 minutes ago < FORAII > Did anyone figure out what THE CURVE is?   
~ reply < SAMAEL > I wouldn’t ask.   
~ reply < FORAII > Well, why do we have to wash our hands?  
~ reply < SAMAEL > I wouldn’t ask that, either.

15 minutes ago < GHADDAR > What are we supposed to do for fun?   
~ reply < MALTHUS > I’m sitting on the couch wearing boxers, sunglasses, and one sock drinking ALL my alcohol. THIS IS AWESOME! WAHOO!!!!

13 minutes ago < LEMPO > I don’t care. I’m going to my friend’s place.   
~ reply < KASADYA > Don’t do it. I got ticketed when I got closer than three meters to my BFF.   
~ reply < ORCUS > Same for me when I got too close to my mate.

12 minutes ago < LEYAK > Is it over yet?   
~ reply < PRETA > No.  
~ reply < LEYAK > Is it over yet?  
~ reply < PRETA > No.  
~ reply < LEYAK > Is it over yet?  
~ reply < PRETA > No. And you can ask 57 more times and the answer will still be no.  
~ reply < LEYAK > Is it over yet?  
~ reply < LEYAK > Is it over yet?  
~ reply < LEYAK > Is it over yet?  
[ click here to expand 63 more replies ] 

9 minutes ago < NINURTA > Seriously, what are we supposed to do?   
~ reply < MOLOCH > I’m knitting a sweater for my Hellhound. Here’s a link to the pattern. [ link ]   
~ reply < PRETA > That’s so cute!

8 minutes ago < MARID > I’m learning how to bake.   
~ reply < LUJBI > What are you making?  
~ reply < MARID > A mess. :/

6 minutes ago < PONTIANAK > NED BOOOOZE! HAL IME SERWLJE   
~ reply < PRETA > Pretty sure you shouldn’t have any more alcohol, my dude.

5 minutes ago < CHAX > I don’t like anyone so this is just fine.   
~ reply < RAHAB > You suck!  
~ reply < CHAX > Annnnnnd that’s why I don’t like anyone. 

3 minutes ago < PRETA > I’m going to write a novel. Shakespeare wrote King Lear during the bubonic plague. 

2 minutes ago < HINN > What do we do if the stores run out of alcohol? There are signs up all over saying that they are temporarily out of stock of loo rolls.   
~ reply < GLASYA > WTF are loo rolls?  
~ reply < CAACRINOLAAS > No clue.  
~ reply < IPES > It’s a human thing. Be thankful if you don’t know. It’s gross. 

2 minutes ago < SEMYAZA > Can’t. Take. It. Any. More. 

1 minute ago < CROWLEY > What is wrong with everyone? You’re all a bunch of drama queens. It’s literally been twenty minutes. Stop getting your knickers in a twist!

Now < LEYAK > I don’t have any knickers to twist. CAN I GO TO THE STORE AND GET KNICKERS? I don’t wear them, but now I want some. It’s an essential item. RIGHT?!?!?!?!

§ § §

“What are you doing, my dear?” Azirapahale asks, leaning over the back of the couch to peer at Crowley’s laptop screen. 

He’s surprised that Aziraphale has put down his book long enough to see what’s happening here in reality. “I’m having a carona coffee and watching the breaking news about the social distancing order going into effect.”

Aziraphale walks around the couch, standing in front of Crowley and wrinkling his nose at the pale yellow liquid and ice in Crowley’s glass. “A carona coffee?”

“Yes. It’s exactly like coffee, except it has margarita in it and no coffee. I got the recipe online.” Actually, it was a joke online, but close enough. 

“Lord, give me strength,” Aziraphale says. “I thought social distancing was already mandated everywhere. Where’s the broadcast from?”

“Hell. It’s a special live report from the Infernal News Network.”

Aziraphale goes white as a sheet, which is impressive considering that he doesn’t have any blood to drain out of his face. “Are you okay? I know we’re complying with the human laws, but I thought that was to keep up appearances and so I don’t have to part with any books, not because you could get sick.”

A touchless thermometer appears in the angel’s hand. He points it at Crowley’s forehead until it beeps. “Forty three point five degrees! You have a fever. Do you need medicine? Some juice? Chicken soup? Should we go to hospital?”

“Angel, thirty seven Celsius is normal for a human,” Crowley says. “I’m a demon. I’ve never taken my temperature before, but I’m going to assume it’s fine. Besides, I’ve been smoking hot since before I invented smoking.”

With a sigh of relief, Aziraphale says, “Thank goodness. Or thank evil. Whomever. Now that that’s over, I’m hungry.” He sits on the couch next to Crowley with a large bag from London Foodies. 

Crowley glares. “Where did you get that? Aren’t they supposed to be closed?”

“Yes, well. I’m supporting a local business by having dozens of pastries sent to nearby hospitals for the staff. And then the bakery offered free contactless delivery for my personal order, so I tipped extra. Don’t look at me like that.”

There’s temptation to ask “like what?” except if Crowley waits a moment....

“I’m doing what I can to help,” Aziraphale says quietly.

“I know you are, Angel. It’s one of the many reasons I love you.”

§ § §

— Three Meter Zone’z Daily Dirt —

Welcome to Three Meter Zone'z Daily Dirt! Just because we can’t get closer than three meters to our fellow demons doesn’t mean we can’t keep up with all the gossip.

The top five stories for today -

One - Beelzebub’s Victorian era military inspired outfit - For the first time in centuries, Lord Beelzebub has shunned zir traditional outfit and gotten a little closer to the times. We love the red coat with shiny brass buttons and Swiss knot piping. There wasn’t much opportunity to get a clear shot of the white pants and black knee-high boots. How does ze keep those clothes so pristinely clean? Ze will never tell. It’s too bad we only got a brief look at the entire ensemble, but getting an up-close view of that jacket for hours was worth it to have Lord Beelzebub sit in front of zir computer forever and a day.

Our rating - FABULOUS - You look amazing, work it! 

Two - Another seven hour diatribe about staying apart and washing our hands. Enough is enough! We. Get. It. We’re at WAR! Wash our hands and stay apart. We know you’re addressing demonkind, but truly, most of us are smart and follow these edicts. (Or at least, smart enough to pretend to comply.) The only new information is that all non-essential businesses are closed. All parks are closed. All beaches are closed. All public events are canceled. But since most of that was already shut down anyway, does it actually make a difference? Do your part, blah, blah, blah, we might be required to wear masks soon, blah, blah, wash your hands, blah, blah, blah, blah. Different day, same old speech. 

Our rating - FAIL - We loved tuning in for Lord Beelzebub’s new style and a peek into zir home, but do we really need a daily briefing over seven hours when a two sentence speech would suffice? Nope!

Three - Beelzebub’s adorable ginger kitten! Why did ze keep pushing it away? We know it was walking all over the keyboard and batting at the flies around zir head, but cutest kitten ever! And who enjoyed when the kitten accidentally changed the background to Hello Kitty riding on a unicorn and holding a fairy princess wand before Beelzebub it returned to zir office and the mountain of loo rolls behind zir desk? One interesting aspect of the lockdown is getting to see into people’s homes. We couldn’t make out the title of the book on zir desk. If any of our eagle eyed followers can figure it out, we can start a book club! But what we want to know is what is the kitten’s name? One of our staffers swears she heard Beez call the kitten Weasley. Click the link to see if yo think ze is saying the kitten’s name or something else. [ link ] 

Our rating - Fabulous - We want more kitten cuteness to break up the monotony of these press releases. 

Four - Hell wide virtual dance party. I wish we could have had a little more variety with the music - I mean, who doesn’t like Puddle of Mudd and Elmo and Patsy - but all night? Next time, maybe consider mixing it up a little. Good on the DJ, though, for not going for the obvious cliches. How many parties have you been to that start things off with Twisted Sister or The Rolling Stones? And thank you for not playing Dancing With Myself. Everyone got so pissed that no one seems to remember most of what happened and almost everyone showed up drunk or hungover to work the next day. At least we’re mostly working from home so we didn’t have far to travel.

Our rating - FABULOUS - Best party (so far) of the new millennium! 

Five - What is up with loo rolls? We spoke to several grocers. “I don’t know what a loo roll is and I don’t care. I’m much too busy trying to keep the shelves supplied with the alcohol that’s in constant demand. But we got a directive from management that we’re to keep at least two shelves empty with signs indicating that it will be available again soon.” A clerk at another store said, “We got in a shipment three days ago. It sold out in seconds. Damn near had a riot with demons fighting over the stupid stuff. I mean, it has a picture of a baby angel on the front. Yuck! Who wants products with pictures of baby angels? But whatever. At least we’re open.”

Our rating - FAIL - Why don’t they just make more? There seems to be a market for the stuff, so why the heaven not? All they have to do is nix the baby angel on the package.

What are YOU doing to stay stylish and have fun during the lockdown? Sound off in the comments below. And don’t forget to wash your hands!

— TMZ Comments — 

105 minutes ago < WECHUGE > No more bowling? WAHHHHHHH!  
~ reply < DOJI > They don’t want you touching anyone else’s balls. 

100 minutes ago < SCYLLA > Love Beelzebub’s clothes. Where can I get an outfit like that?  
~ reply < VANTH > I don’t know, but I want some for me and my mate. ;) 

96 minutes ago < TITVILLUS > Soooooo booooooard! 

90 minutes ago < RANGDA > My new zoom background is an old school TV set so I look like I’m on the news in 1950.  
~ reply < HAURES > I’m on Pee Wee’s Playhouse. The word for the day is “wash.” AHHHHHHH! 

83 minutes ago < DAEVA > There’s nothing to dooooooo! When’s the next Virtual Happy Hour?

79 minutes ago < IPES > What was with all that noise last night? I went outside to dump the trash and it sounded like all the Hellhounds had gotten loose.  
~ reply < SEPID > It’s this thing where everyone goes outside at 8 pm and howls because what else do we have to do?  
~ reply < PRETA > My Hellhound snuck out the front door as soon as she heard the howling and started yapping her head off. So I joined in. :)

78 minutes ago < BELETH > There are beaches in Hell? Since when?

77 minutes ago < CHEMOSH > Why am I so tired? I haven’t done anything today except lay on the couch and binge watch Lucifer while eating chips. Shouldn’t actual Satan be as devastatingly sexy as Tom Ellis?

75 minutes ago < BUNE > Did anyone get a good look at the book on Beelzebub’s desk?  
~ reply < LERAIE > I tried rewatching it a few times before someone pulled the book off the desk, but my laptop is older than dirt and the sucky WiFi sucks worse than ever now that we’re all stuck at home.

74 minutes ago < PIAMON > I want the Hello Kitty background - fairy princess Hello Kitty for the win!

71 minutes ago < TOYOL > The book signing I got tickets for next week officially got canceled. I knew it would, but I’m still so depressed. :’(  
~ reply < SHUTEN > I hear you. I should be on a trip right now.

68 minutes ago < UKOBACH > I hate running, but it can’t be worse than being cooped up inside alone all day. Edited to add : Yes, it can. Everything hurts.  
~ reply < PAZUZU > Just keep running, it’ll get easier. 

63 minutes ago < OSE > Who else thought Beez’s kitten was the best part?  
~ reply < AMAUMON > How did someone so evil get that adorable kitten? 

61 minutes ago < KASADYA > I think my brain turned to mush while watching the press release. 

56 minutes ago < RAHAB > I love working from home. I don’t need to wear pants.  
~ reply < ANQA > Please wear pants.  
~ reply < BARONG > PLEASE! 

50 minutes ago < CROCELL > I’m just relieved that my stupid business trip got canceled. Everything sucks, but at least there’s one bright spot. Was not looking forward to days on end of sitting in a conference room pretending to be awake.

49 minutes ago < PONTIANAK > Drakn al my booozleeec and catt get mooorree. HALWKP!  
~ reply < PRETA > No more alcohol for you!

45 minutes ago < FORNEUS > I wasn’t thinking and had an IBC while on a zoom work meeting. It must have looked like I was drinking beer instead of cream soda. Didn’t help that my background was a beach in Hawaii. OOPS!  
~ reply < RONOVE > I pour my beer in a coffee mug so my boss doesn’t know what I’m drinking. ;)  
~ reply < KILLAKEE > I turn the audio and video off so my boss won’t see that I rolled out of bed two minutes before work started or catch me eating cereal in my pajamas. 

38 minutes ago < ELIGOS > Did anyone see the demon dressed as a plague doctor running around town? Your costume is amazing, and I salute you.

36 minutes ago < MOLOCH > I ran out of yarn before I finished the second sweater. THIS SHIT JUST GOT REAL. I’m knitting my two Hellhounds sweaters because I’m bored out of my dang mind and I don’t have enough of the right color to finish. Craft shops should be classified as essential services so we don’t go batty and stab others with knitting needles to alleviate the monotony. 

24 minutes ago < HAURES > Just want to go out. Don’t even care where.

22 minutes ago < CROCELL > The blessed conference is back on and virtual! Why??? This is so stupid. They never say anything useful; it’s worse than Lord Beelzebub’s daily diatribe. At least I figured out how to film myself sitting at my desk so I can loop the video for my boss and go to sleep.

13 minutes ago < MARID > Who else is learning how to bake? I made popovers. They sort of popped.  
~ reply < SABNOCK > Did you actually expect stuff to rise in Hell?  
~ reply < IFRIT > I toasted PopTarts. Does that count?  
~ reply < MAZOKU > I ate ready made cookie dough right out of the package.  
~ reply < NINURTA > I watched a cooking show and felt so inspired, I ordered delivery. 

7 minutes ago < CEBERE > Can’t take it anymore. The quarantine has been going on since before the dawn of time.

2 minutes ago < PRUFALAS > I changed my background to have piles of loo rolls behind me.  
~ reply < STHENNO > I live in a pineapple under the sea  
~ reply < XAPHAN > I’m in The Matrix  
~ reply < KUKUDH > I’m at the last supper, except it’s a craps table.  
~ reply < BORUTA > I’m in an igloo because Hell froze over.  
~ reply < ASB’EL > I’m sitting in Captain Kirk’s chair.  
~ reply < CROWLEY > I’m in a bookshop.

§ § §

“Hey, Angel? You’ve read every book ever written, right?”

Aziraphale’s lips press together. “No. There are more lovely books being written every day. Although I daresay that this lockdown will have a dramatic impact on the written word in the future.”

“Never mind all that.” Crowley turns his laptop to face Aziraphale. “What book is this?”

“Do you honestly think I can figure out what a book is from a third of the cover and at a bad angle?”

“Yes.” Crowley has absolute conviction that Aziraphale can and will.

“Ninety Minutes in Heaven,” Aziraphale says. 

“What? Is that like that silly party game seven minutes in Heaven that horny teenagers play, but longer? I mean, seven minutes is barely enough time to heat things up, let alone get things going. Ninety sounds much more reasonable.”

“No. It’s a book about a minister who believes that he died and spent ninety minutes in Heaven before returning to Earth.”

Because he’s on his third vodka gimlet, Crowley asks, “How many times do you think they made him watch The Sound of Music?” 

“That’s not the ONLY thing angels do in Heaven.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, they’ve also got celestial harmonies and two composers.”

Aziraphale straightens himself up like he’s preparing for a proper row. 

So Crowley cuts it off before it can build any momentum. “The book is on Beez’s desk, I don’t know why it was there and I don’t care. Beelzebub has obviously lost zir mind. Let’s go upstairs and I’ll show you how *I* play ninety minutes in Heaven.”

A sparkle lights Aziraphale’s eyes. “That sounds like innuendo.”

“Not innuendo, a clearly worded request. Please come upstairs with me?”

“That sounds even more like innuendo.”

“Stupid, bloody bollocking English! That is not what I meant.”

“It’s what I meant,” Aziraphale says with a wink, heading for the stairs. 

§ § §

— Infernal Community News : A Parade of Plague Doctors —

With the social distancing mandate in effect, and in conjunction with the new masking requirement, many demons have been channeling their boredom into creative pursuits. Some have been baking. Some are finally penning that novel they’ve always wanted to write. And some have been sewing. 

It started with what was likely a single individual lurking about while wearing a dark, hooded robe and covering their face with the bird-like mask of a seventeenth-century plague doctor. They carry a staff and shake a warning finger at anyone who attempts to get too close. For a few days, there were only scattered reports of this individual and then it exploded. There are plague doctors everywhere, at the shops, on public transportation, and even walking their Hellhounds.

I’ve asked questions of several of the plague doctors I’ve encountered, and have yet to get an answer or even an audible sound out of these mysterious figures. They wear masks and they maintain appropriate social distance, so it’s tricky for authorities to cite them for breaking rules when they aren’t actually breaking any rules.

Tee shirts with plague doctors instructing you to “Wash Your Damn Hands” are becoming a common sight, as are plague doctor plushies in windows along almost every street. Between that and the eight o’clock howl, it seems many are getting in the spirit of things. 

The doctors have become so prevalent, they even held a non-traditional parade. They walked one after another slowly down the street, each carefully spaced three meters apart. I got surprisingly invested in seeing the masks and costumes. Lack of things to do can create interest in anything going on. It was eerily quiet, the demons passing by in total silence. I counted at least thirty plague doctors before I lost track. Where did the parade start? Where did it end? No one knows. Or at least, those who do aren’t talking. 

Equally interesting were the masks spectators wore in solidarity. I saw many with fake faces on their masks, everything from the Silence of the Lambs logo, to Rocky Horror lips, to sugar skulls and scary clowns. One demon had tiny penises with halos and angel wings. When I asked why, he said, “If you’re close enough to see what’s on my mask, you’re too close. Stand back before we both get in trouble.”

And of course, many demons along the route had plague doctor shirts with phrases like, “Guess Who’s back?” “Trust Me, I’m a Doctor,” and “Essential Worker.” One of the more disturbing ones said, “Did You Try Leaches?”

I reached out to Lord Beelzebub for comment.

“This is loophole abuse and it will not stand. You’re all supposed to stay home, not walk around in a blessed parade exactly three meters apart. This is a crisis for demonkind. We are at war against an invisible enemy. We all must do our part. We must flatten the curve!”

When I attempted, again, to get clarification on what this curve is that we need to flatten, I was told, “You know what the curve is. Everyone knows what the curve is.”

I insisted that I don’t, because I don’t. 

“Wash your hands and no more parades! Now quit pestering me. There’s a pandemic to manage and I can’t do that with idiot reporters asking stupid questions.”

This reporter still believes that there are no such things as stupid questions and will continue to ask them.

— ICN Comments —

62 minutes ago < PAZUZU > The parade when past my place. We took sandwiches and chairs outside to watch. It was creepy and awesome. But mostly creepy. 

59 minutes ago < CHAX > I wore a button-up shirt and boxers to my Zoom meeting today and forgot when I got up to get more coffee. Eep. At least it was the Scoobie Doo ones and not something Disney.

56 minutes ago < MOLOCH > I raged cleaned the entire house and I found another skein of yarn! Obviously, next time, I’ll start by cleaning out the trunk of my car instead of putting off the garage for last. I can finish the second sweater!!!

53 minutes ago < KRONI > when’s the next virtual happy hour? Not that I need an excuse to drink, but still.

52 minutes ago < KASADYA > I hate the big box store. I hate sewing. And yet, I went there this morning to buy some fabric and make a stupid mask so I can leave the house without a bandana over my face and looking like a masked bandit. THEY WERE HAVING A POWER FAILURE! Now I have to go back tomorrow.  
~ reply < VALPULA > It won’t do any good. I went yesterday, and the craft section looked like a swarm of locusts had descended. There was only one bolt of fabric left with a sign saying that it was polyester, not breathable, not washable, and not suitable for masks.   
~ reply < KASADYA > I didn’t want to sew anyway, but this is ridiculous. Whatever. Carona hair, don’t care.

51 minutes ago < ERLIK > Zoom sucks. Apparently, I accidentally removed my background picture and everyone on the conference call could see the mountain of dirty laundry piled on the bed. *bangs head on desk*  
~ reply < GLASYA > Yes, it sucks. I’d muted myself like I do for every conference call. When my boss announced that we all have to go back into the office starting next week and they’ve rearranged our cubes to be less than half the size to maintain social distancing, I said, “Are you f*cking kidding me?” Pretty sure everyone heard.

45 minutes ago < PRETA > I was going to be productive and work on my novel, but I spent 16 hours playing games on my phone. Three days in a row. No motivation. 

41 minutes ago < CHEMOSH > Why can’t Beez have more updates with zir kitten?   
~ reply < AMUMON > I know. And I am so sick and tired of the daily diatribe about how “You all know what the curve is!” Oh my Lucifer! Answer the blessed question. Or use the kitten as a distraction. Something. 

32 minutes ago < ELTIOL > My roommate seems to think my boss is my crush and keeps trying to set us up. Ughhhh!

24 minutes ago < CROCELL > Now that they don’t have to deal with travel arrangements for conferences, work has scheduled two extra ones. Why?!?! They didn’t say anything useful during the last one. I wonder if anyone will notice if I reuse the same video loop from last time so I can nap.

23 minutes ago < CHORT > This was fun for a week and tolerable for another. But I am so bored. Can’t remember the last time I got off the couch.

22 minutes ago < CAACRINOLAAS > Did anyone else see the pic of Beez in what looks like an igloo made of loo rolls? Was that for real or a zoom background?  
~ reply < KUKUDH > Pretty sure that’s at legit picture, but who knows? This is Beelzebub we’re talking about.

20 minutes ago < PETH > Is Kevlar is flame resistant? I need to make a mask for my dragon companion. He set the first mask on fire. How in the name of Satan does Beelzebub expect demons with head pets to enforce the mask rule? My mate has to do a series of complicated macrame knots to get a mask to stay on a snake. She’s beyond annoyed that she can’t smell anything and licks the mask till it’s soggy and gross. But at least she can’t incinerate it.   
~ reply < ZIMINAR > Kevlar is flame resistant, but it’s still flammable. You need Rhovyl.   
~ reply < PETH > Thank you! Now, does anyone have a home hair cut suggestion for someone who has singed hair resulting from burning mask pieces? The salons are closed and I’m desperate enough to trim it myself.   
~ reply < VALAC > Best bet is a buzz cut. Sorry. 

17 minutes ago < SHUTEN > At the parade, I saw someone wearing a shirt that said, “I’m The Doctor,” and it had a picture of a plague doctor wearing a Tom Baker scarf while standing next to the Tardis. Anyone know where I can get one?  
~ reply < IPES > I want one, but with the doctor wearing a fez and bowtie.

10 minutes ago < DAEVA > Next time, can someone please post when and where the parade is. I missed it. : (

6 minutes ago < BOTIS > I don’t even care anymore. I’m wearing sweats and a ponytail to all virtual events from now on. I see no reason to get dressed. Or put on makeup. Or do anything.

5 minutes ago < SUANGGI > I have ordered fabric from every craft store in all nine circles of Hell and the orders keep getting canceled because it’s out of stock. Take it off the dang website and don’t let me place the order if it isn’t in available!

3 minutes ago < GHADDAR > I went to the stupid store because I needed coffee so I could pretend to be awake on the Zoom meeting tomorrow. They had freaking loo rolls and I bought as many as I could. Now what do I do with them?   
~ reply < FURCAS > I drew horns and a tail on the angel on mine. Now it’s a demon baby. Much cuter.   
~ reply < NAAMAH > Aren’t ALL babies demon babies?  
~ reply < Crowley > Yes, they are. Don’t believe me? Try raising the antichrist.

§ § §

“Crowley, my dear, we did not raise the antichrist. Wrong baby. Remember?”

“They don’t know that. And stop reading over my shoulder,” Crowley says, gesturing to the laptop. “Besides, *all* babies are demons.”

Aziraphale gives him a stern look but doesn’t argue. 

Ha! Crowley knew raising Warlock had cured Aziraphale of his “babies are little angels and precious gifts from above” and shifted it to “infants are ungrateful, screaming poop factories.” It doesn’t matter. Crowley misses Warlock like nothing else. 

“When this is all over, we should go see Warlock and Adam. I miss them so much. Now,” Aziraphale says, holding up a package of Angel Soft toilet paper with a smiling baby angel on the front of the package. “What on Earth do you have this for?”

It suddenly occurs to Crowley how this seems and he snatches the package out of Aziraphale’s hands. “This isn’t what it looks like.”

“I know you didn’t elbow your way into a shop during a pandemic to buy a product in demand worldwide that you have absolutely no use for. So what is it?”

“Oh. Well, I kind of did. Maybe this is what it looks like. But it isn’t from an Earth shop, it’s from Hell.”

Aziraphale pinches the bridge of his nose. “What possessed you to go to Hell for loo rolls?” 

“Everyone downstairs is going mad for it and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.” 

Curiosity has always been his downfall. That and boredom. Crowley uses his thumb to puncture the plastic wrapper and pulls one of the rolls out. He hasn’t had reason to inspect the stuff up close for decades and he’s certainly never used it for its intended purpose. A quick rub between his fingers indicates that this isn’t what the humans use. It’s much too rough and it’s a little tacky, similar to how tape gets if you put the sticky end down on cloth a few times. 

“Damn it,” Crowley mutters, pressing his thumb and finger together and feeling the skin tug slightly when he pulls them apart. At least it doesn’t feel gross. He sniffs at his fingers. No odor. “Beelzebub clearly has no idea what loo rolls are like, so when ze had some manufactured, ze didn’t get it quite right. This is useless for humans. I was going to sneak more up here ‘cause I know people need it.”

Aziraphale’s eyes light up. “That’s so ni-”

“Don’t say it!” Crowley cuts him off. “It’s not nice, it’s evil bringing people loo rolls from Hell. And besides, it won’t work.”

“Yes, dear, you’re diabolical. How about I make a lemon bundt cake for afternoon tea?” Aziraphale kisses him on the cheek and wanders towards the kitchen.

Crowley bites his tongue between his teeth. If it’s not suitable for human use, then what’s he supposed to do with the other three dozen packages he liberated?

Inspiration strikes. Crowley’s favorite mask depicts an open snake mouth barring it’s fangs and he twirls it around his finger while opening a new tab on his laptop. 

§ § §

— TMZ Comments —

Now < Crowley > I have oodles of loo rolls. Beelzebub has said that this is war. We need an army. Who’s in? 

§ § §

— Three Meter Zone’z Daily Dirt — 

The question of what one does with loo rolls has been answered! Before we got ordered away by Lord Beelzebub, Three Meter Zone managed to take several pictures. The first was of a sign which reads “We all wore masks, stayed three meters apart, and washed our hands before we touched anything. Cheers!” The rest of the pictures tell a story difficult to put into words.

For those of you who haven’t been able to get your claws on loo rolls and seen some with your own eyes, demon or demons unknown have unrolled and spread it all over the Lord of Hell’s house. It’s up on the roof, hanging off the balconies and trees, draped along the fences, and there’s even a stylized snake across the lawn. Apparently, loo roll paper is somewhat sticky and it’s almost impossible to remove when it’s damp. And it’s all damp thanks to an empty, green spray bottle abandoned by the vandals on the sidewalk.

Stay tuned to TMZ for all your gossip needs and don’t forget to let us know what you think in the comments.

**Author's Note:**

> Stay safe and wash your hands!


End file.
